Break Even
by museicality
Summary: Written for SMACKDOWN 2011, Team Moustache Curtains. Getting Tortall back on track after the Coronation Day disaster is not an easy task. Raoul and Gary are both under stress, and in dealing with their new positions, their friendship is strained.
1. Still Alive

**Title:** Still Alive  
><strong>Rating:<strong> PG-13  
><strong>Word Count:<strong> 220  
><strong>Pairing:<strong> Gary/Raoul – Team Moustache Curtains  
><strong>RoundFight:** 2/C  
><strong>Summary:<strong> [i]I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing.[/i] Raoul's perspective during the Coronation Day quakes. Part of my Breakeven series, set post-Lioness Rampant.

The last great shock knocked everyone off of their feet, and Raoul came to covered in rubble, stone jabbing him in the back, dust clogging his throat and blinding his eyes.

More shouting, and nearby.

Shouting, like before the earth convulsed.

Gary.

Raoul tried moving, tried shoving the shattered blocks of granite off of is chest so he could sit up. His left leg was pinned, and he tugged uselessly.

The screaming comes, then, because trying to move brings white-hot pain and he can't, can't, can't—

His cry rips from his dry throat, small and frail and trapped in the rubble, same as him.

There's other people yelling, there are other screams around him, and carefully Raoul turns his head—careful, careful, don't move the leg—and sees a knot of people near him.

Gary knelt there, some yards away, clutching one hand of the man on the ground; with a start, Raoul recognized the pale features of the Duke of Naxen.

Gary wasn't shouting now.

The healer kneeling in the debris, whose hands were spilling dark green light over the prone form murmured softly, "He's still alive."

Gary's rigid shoulders slumped, and Raoul would have given anything to be able to move.

Instead he gave up the fight for consciousness and slid away from the pain and the noise.


	2. The Price

**Title:** The Price  
><strong>Rating:<strong> PG  
><strong>Word Count: <strong>147  
><strong>Pairing:<strong> Gary/Raoul – Team Moustache Curtains  
><strong>RoundFight:** 2/C  
><strong>Summary:<strong> [i]Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in.[/i] Gary ends up in the infirmary when Raoul comes in. Breakeven part 2, post- Lioness Rampant.

His ears ring in the silence, so starkly different from the Hall of Crowns, and Gary lets the endless noise fill his head.

The only other sound keeping him company in the room is his father's slow breathing, but its regular now.

The door swings open, and the people on the other side fumble. The man on the stretcher makes no noise.

Gary draws a sharp breath.

"Raoul," he groans, but his friend doesn't respond. The sheets beneath Gary's finger crinkle and twist, and Gary doesn't even realize that the dry sound suddenly escaping into the room is a sob, and a sob coming from him at that.

Duke Baird looks up, sees Gary's pale face, and his expression gentles a little.

"Its only a broken leg," he reassures, and Gary nodded, swallowing hard. A broken leg for the price of a kingdom isn't an unfair trade.


	3. Time

**Title:** Time  
><strong>Rating:<strong> PG  
><strong>Word Count:<strong> 159  
><strong>Pairing:<strong> Gary/Raoul – Team Moustache Curtains  
><strong>RoundFight:** 2/C  
><strong>Summary:<strong> {i]Cause I got time while she got freedom.[/i] Gary and Raoul are stuck in the capital with Jon trying to sort out all this mess. Breakeven part 3, set post- Lioness Rampant.

_A/N: I would love to get some feedback about my writing; if you read my work, please review and let me know! Even a simple response is appreciated! Thank you _

Gary shifted another pile of paperwork from the floor to his desk.

"Right then; Jon asked if we could get these through by this evening, since things aren't looking good and we're going to need to import grain, at least, for the next year or so…"

Raoul, seeing another interminable pile of paperwork, groaned. "Nothing like another mountain of complaining nobility to suck the life out of you," he complained, and Gary was about to retort when he looked up and realized that Raoul looked about how he felt.

"What, no comment?" Raoul raised his eyebrows.

Swiping a hand across his brow, Gary sighed as he eyed the dotted line where his name—his name, not his father's—validated the document in front of him.

"When did we become adults?"

Raoul didn't answer, his fingers twitching tighter around his quill, and Gary sighed again.

Suddenly, the week between now and when Cythera would return to the capital seemed endless.


	4. Adult

**Title:** Adult  
><strong>Rating:<strong> PG  
><strong>Word Count:<strong> 179  
><strong>Pairing:<strong> Gary/Raoul – Team Moustache Curtains  
><strong>RoundFight:** 2/C  
><strong>Summary:<strong> [i]Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even. [/i] Gary knows that Raoul thinks no one can see, but at the same time, surely he's enough of an adult to take care of himself.

_A/N: I would love to get some feedback about my writing; if you read my work, please review and let me know! Even a simple response is appreciated! Thank you _

Turning his head to face Jon gives Raoul a full face of morning sunlight, streaming cheerfully into the council chambers, and Raoul's head threatens to splinter to pieces, each ray a knife burning into his mind.

He blinks slowly before answering the question, willing his headache to go away and pushing against the nauseous churning in his midsection.

Across the table, Gary's brow furrows. He's already mentioned drinking before meetings to Raoul, but if his friend's behavior is any indicator at all, the Knight Commander has conveniently ignored him once again.

Jon's voice calls him out of his reverie, and Gary bites his lip as he tries to recall what they are currently discussing; somewhere along the lines a black puddle of ink has spread from his quill, ruining his notes, and Gary pleads for just a little more patience.

Raoul's an adult and can surely take care of himself; Gary eyes the insignia on Raoul's tunic. He's a leader, a political figure, a well-respected member of the nobility. By now, Raoul can handle his own life.

Can't he?


	5. Stubborn Realization

**Title:** Stubborn Realization  
><strong>Rating:<strong> PG  
><strong>Word Count:<strong> 250  
><strong>Pairing:<strong> Gary/Raoul – Team Moustache Curtains  
><strong>RoundFight:** 2/C  
><strong>Summary: <em>Her best days will be some of my worst.<em>** It all starts to fall apart, a little bit at a time, and Raoul notices but nothing seems to change. Breakeven part 5, set post-Lioness Rampant.

Raoul didn't even realize how different life was without her until Cythera returned from the countryside after the Coronation Day disaster; even with the Palace in shambles, she somehow manages to make it run smoother and look nicer.

She and Thayet laugh again, sitting in the gardens together and soaking up the sunlight. It is odd how foreign the sound was, but hearing it tumble across the Palace grounds as he makes his way to the Own barracks, Raoul smiles. It was about time someone's spirits lifted.

Still, he can't help but wonder.

Light seeps from under the door to Gary's study at all hours of the night, and Raoul can hear his quill scratching incessantly from the hall. If he pushes the door open, he knows he'll find Gary hunched over his desk, dark circles under his eyes and the flickering candlelight lending him a crazed expression that covers his exhaustion.

Wildflowers on the desk speak of an afternoon with Cythera, but they're almost completely covered with scrolls and loose leaf paper.

"Gary, go to bed." He speaks softly, but the entire rest of the Palace is asleep and so a whisper sounds as loud as a shout.

Gary levels one tired glance at Raoul. "Can't. This has to be finished by morning; very important, its about the trade embargo—"

"You're about to fall asleep on your desk," Raoul points out, but Gary's mouth is set in a stubborn line and Raoul already knows he's lost this fight.


	6. Priorities

**Title:** Priorities  
><strong>Rating:<strong> PG  
><strong>Word Count:<strong> 318  
><strong>Pairing:<strong> Gary/Raoul – Team Moustache Curtains  
><strong>RoundFight:** 2/C  
><strong>Summary:<strong> [i]She finally met a man who's gonna put her first.[/i] Gary doesn't like to talk about himself and Cythera in front of Raoul, but then Raoul offers him a drink. Breakeven part 6, set post-Lioness Rampant.

"You've come out of your cave," Raoul notices, glancing up at Gary who stands, framed neatly in his doorway, out of his study for the first time in what seems like days.

Gary pretends not to hear the sour, sharp edge of Raoul's words. "Its not a choice, you know that. There's just so much paperwork left over after the earthquakes…"

It is a choice, even if Gary doesn't know it. Raoul watches everyday as Gary chooses paperwork and parchment and ink and solitude over people and places and things and life and it isn't quite anger but its getting there.

"Have a drink," Raoul says; there's no lift at the end of his words and it isn't a question. He fills another wine glass—[i]_where did it come from, was it on the table this whole time?[/i]_ Gary wonders—and pushes it across the table.

"Do I need one?" Gary murmurs, but his fingers are already closing on the wineglass and Raoul's overly bright eyes track his movements.

"You tell me." Raoul answers with a non-answer, and Gary soothes away this mockery of their friendship, this sham of an imitation, with a bitter red swallow. One leads to another and a glass brings up words, words pouring out, and Gary misses the cynical twist of Raoul's mouth as he listens to words about Gary and Cythera and all of this work and the never-ending work and none of it, [i]none of it,[/i] concerns him.

Eventually, words and most of the bottle of wine have dulled Gary's pain enough for him to wander away, bidding Raoul a good night and Raoul sits back, watches the door close, and eyes his last companion. There's only one more glass of wine left in the bottle, but there's a whole other bottle in his cabinet and Raoul is more than willing to let this mistress carry him off into ignorance tonight.


	7. Wide Awake

**Title:** Wide Awake  
><strong>Rating:<strong> PG  
><strong>Word Count:<strong> 240  
><strong>Pairing:<strong> Gary/Raoul – Team Moustache Curtains  
><strong>RoundFight:** 2/C  
><strong>Summary:<strong> [i]While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping. [/i] Words and wine are keeping Gary up, and he vaguely realizes that what he's feeling is worry. Breakeven part 7, set post-Lioness Rampant.

Gary falls bonelessly into his bed, wondering at the softness of the quilts underneath him. Its softer than he remembers, and he discovers he's more relaxed than he can remember being in months—has it already been months?—since before the earthquakes, since before Jon was King and not just Jon…

…Since before he ended up sitting and watching Raoul drink himself stupid, glass after glass after glass of oblivion sliding down his throat.

Wine buzzes around in his head, in and out of words and hypothetical conversations he might have spoken… did he talk to Raoul? He can't remember; he remembers the grossly mesmerizing light, dazed and confused, that watched him out of Raoul's eyes as he and Gary sat with the bottle of wine between them.

Which is worse? He doesn't know, caught between two lines in the sand, caught within and without, moving two different directions and not at all.

Cythera's flowers, the ones she picked that afternoon… last week? Last week already?... they wilt on his desk under his work, buried alive and fading fast.

Raoul's eyes, watching him, blaming him, summing up everything they were and the great expanse of nothing between them and this nothing is consuming them alive and the last thought flitting across Gary's mind is how Raoul had the wine cabinet stocked and waiting for him, for them, and then he surrenders to the white noise buzz of alcohol and sleep.


	8. Memories

**Title:** Memories  
><strong>Rating:<strong> PG  
><strong>Word Count:<strong> 572  
><strong>Pairing:<strong> Gary/Raoul – Team Moustache Curtains  
><strong>RoundFight:** 2/C  
><strong>Summary:<strong> [i]Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even.[/i] Jon notices that something's changing his friends and it's starting to break his heart. Breakeven part 8, set post-Lioness Rampant.

When he was a child, he used to have great dreams about being King, Jon remembers, and he would tell them to anyone who would listen. He'd inform his father of all of the things he'd achieve, and tell his mother all about how the kingdom would flourish. He remembers, in between battles with his tin soldiers on the floor of the Royal Nursery, how he and Gary would talk about what they planned on doing once they had the freedom to do it.

None of the memories ever included this, Jon thinks as he stares around the council chamber at his closest friends and advisors. The room itself is in shambles, the table and the chairs the only things still in working order, and there are as many ghosts as there are faces.

Alanna, gone to the desert to grieve.

Duke Gareth, recovering his heart attack in Naxen under his wife's watchful eyes.

Alex, buried deep beneath the ground.

Myles looks back at him, the weight of responsibilities greater than any of them can bear pressing down the corners of his lips until Jon doesn't know if the man's smiling anymore or not.

Myles doesn't look around, and Jon knows why; his own eyes skitter restlessly, refuse to settle, roving the room and never stopping on any one face.

If he looks at Gary, looks at Raoul, really stops and looks at them, takes in their faces, Jon's afraid that he will fall apart.

Gary rubs his forehead with one hand as he flips through one of the reports in front of them, and Jon can't stand how sunken and dark Gary's eyes have become. His cousin has lost his spark, somewhere in all that paperwork, and if Jon could he would [i]force[/i] Gary to take a break, to get out of Corus, take Cythera somewhere where he needs only spend time on himself and not his country…

Raoul is no better than Gary, but his eyes haunt Jon for a different reason, dull and blank as they stare unseeing at the paper before him. Jon knows the signs of too much to drink, notices how light makes Raoul blink and noise has him flinching. Keeping his Knight Commander inside, prisoned within the Council Room walls is slowly smothering Raoul, but Jon can't afford to send him outside.

His best friends, mere shadows of their former glories, sit fading fast before him as Jon tries to hold this Council, this kingship, this country together with sheer will, and they are doing so without a word of complaint.

This silence is the most damning, and Jon wishes they would notice what he is turning them into.

A sharp comment from Gary, a demand and a raised voice would be normal.

A challenge, a silent slap of a glove and a retreating back that drove him to the practice courts to face the blade of Raoul's sword would be normal.

He's deprived them of both.

Jon busies himself with his papers as the meeting winds to a close and his advisors melt away into other never-ending duties (that he gave them, his mind tells him), and he only looks up when they're all gone.

Thayet finds him almost an hour later, tears streaming silently down his face.

He can't stand who he's become, that he would let them—no, [i]turn[/i] them into people so far removed from the Gary and Raoul he remembers.


	9. Happiness

**Title:** Happiness  
><strong>Rating:<strong> PG  
><strong>Word Count:<strong> 319  
><strong>Pairing:<strong> Gary/Raoul – Team Moustache Curtains  
><strong>RoundFight:** 2/C  
><strong>Summary:<strong> [i]What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?[/i] The fight is explosive and fast-burning, and then it retreats sullenly to burn deeper, darker, harder. Breakeven part 9, set post-Lioness Rampant.

"What do you want me to do?" Raoul growls, hands clenching defensively as he watches Gary pace in front of his desk.

Gary fixes him with a look almost sharp enough to be his usual grimace, but not quite. "I just told you—or are you not listening to anyone anymore?"

Raoul shifts in the armchair he always sits in when he visits Gary's office; somehow the chair isn't as comfortable as it usually is. "I heard a stuck up prig lecturing me on how to live my life."

His voice is flat, and something in Gary starts to burn uncontrollably. "I'm worried about you, and this is all you have to say?"

"Damnit, Gary, you're always so uptight now, [i]always[/i]. Whatever happened to relaxing?"

"Whatever happened to being around?" Gary whirls on Raoul, temper burning in his pale face. "You're always hiding in your rooms or sleeping off another drunken night because you have no self control!"

"Oh, so now this is my fault?" Raoul is on his feet before the words leave his mouth. "Isn't that convenient."

"Stop it, Raoul," Gary spits the words. "You're in trouble, and you know it."

"Its nice of you to be concerned, now that you have the time." Raoul mutters sullenly, and he glares at Gary when the other man gasps.

"Oh, yes, I see it all; Cythera's gone visiting with her mother and now you have some free time and you think you can come solve all of the world's problems—"

"That's not it at all!"

"—oh, but it is, and you can't. So save yourself the trouble and do something you actually want to do. Leave me alone."

"Who says I don't want to see you?"

"Think about it, Gary. When was the last time you smiled? You're not smiling now, and neither am I. People normally smile when they're happy, don't you think?"

The door slammed.


	10. Worse

**Title:** Worse  
><strong>Rating:<strong> PG  
><strong>Word Count:<strong> 116  
><strong>Pairing:<strong> Gary/Raoul – Team Moustache Curtains  
><strong>RoundFight:** 2/C  
><strong>Summary:<strong> _What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay._ Jon notices the fallout. Breakeven part 10, set post-Lioness Rampant.

Jon knows it's gotten worse the moment he steps into the council room. Gary and Raoul have something brewing between them, and from the looks of it, the argument has gotten worse. Myles' raised eyebrows have nothing to do with his observations.

Or, rather, they add to the rest of the equation and deliver him the sentence.

One Council room, two close friends, three seconds before he realizes that the silence is all-pervasive and then Myles' cough deafens them all.

Nothing breaks Gary and Raoul's stony silence, and neither of them look at him as Jon calls the meeting to attention.

When Gary speaks, Jon hears the hoarse note in his voice, and wonders if he's been screaming, or crying (are his eyes slightly red at the edges? He can't tell…) or both?


	11. Something Wrong

**Title:** Something Wrong  
><strong>Rating:<strong> PG  
><strong>Word Count:<strong> 230  
><strong>Pairing:<strong> Gary/Raoul – Team Moustache Curtains  
><strong>RoundFight:** 2/C  
><strong>Summary:<strong> _I'm falling to pieces._ Cythera, on returning to Corus, starts noticing that things are getting worse, and neither Gary nor Raoul are the way that she remembered them. Breakeven part 11, set post-Lioness Rampant.

It takes Cythera a month before she agrees to go 'visiting' with her mother, and it takes her all of three days before she is fed up with (_simpering)_ 'visiting', and she still has another two weeks before she can escape back to Corus and to her friends and Gary.

It takes Cythera all of five minutes to find Gary, locked in his study, and only another five to completely overrule him and bar him from work for the remainder of the evening.

The thought of him working like this, day after day, week in and week out, trapped within these four walls with only windows to show him there's still a sun, and a world, and people out there… Cythera shudders again and squares her shoulders.

Gary hasn't said anything to her about it, but Cythera knows that something's up, something's happened, and she will find out about it, because none of this is healthy and underneath, she's suddenly very, very worried.

She finds herself at Raoul's door somehow, her feet leading her down the familiar corridors, and breathes a sigh of relief.

He'll know what's wrong, he always does.

She knocks on Raoul's door.

It takes several minutes before Cythera realizes that no one's coming to open the door, and in the next moment she's flattened by the soft, barely there sounds that mean that she's being ignored.


	12. What's Wrong

**Title:** What's Wrong?  
><strong>Rating:<strong> PG  
><strong>Word Count:<strong> 146  
><strong>Pairing:<strong> Gary/Raoul – Team Moustache Curtains  
><strong>RoundFight:** 2/C  
><strong>Summary:<strong> _They say bad things happen for a reason._ Gary is worried about Raoul, and tells Cythera. Breakeven part 12, set post-Lioness Rampant.

AN: I just want to take this opportunity to thank my readers; as you may have noticed, the majority of my work on ffnet is very, very short, or consisting of very short chapters. This is caused by the fact that these fic were written for Goldenlake's SMACKDOWN challenge last year, and time was of the essence! In the future, I'll be uploading fic that is longer, so thank you for reading all these short drabbles and keep an eye out :) ~Muse

x.

When she asks him what's wrong, Gary manages to hold up his façade, silently clenching the blanket on his bed in his fists until

"What is it?" Cythera asks desperately, watching as different expressions cross Gary's face, and he, shuddering, surrenders to her. He lets her enfold her in her arms as he whispers, "It's Raoul, he's been getting worse," so brokenly that Cythera doesn't have to ask [i]what[/i] exactly is worse.

"Oh, no."

"I don't think he's alright," Gary admits to her soft embrace, feeling her arms tighten around him at the thought.

"…No, he isn't." he corrects himself harshly, "And I should have stopped him, should have helped him, never should have let him touch another bottle of wine…"

"…How long?" she asks him then, inadvertently pulling him from his guilt, and the truth aches as he speaks it to the room.

"Coronation Day."


End file.
